Rattlesnake Ramifications
by RevolutionaryWarlock
Summary: Hercules makes a bad decision and gets into an argument with Alexander. When he's very drunk. On his wedding night. The boys trek out on a quest to the library to defend Alex's honor, but it doesn't all go as planned. Oneshot. Modern AU
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: ****This is crack-fiction in its finest form. I wrote this for my friend, who just wanted "The Story of Tonight Squad + Burr get locked in a library." This is what I gave her. I'm such a good friend.**

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"IT'S TRUE I SWEAR!" Alexander shouts over the objecting guffaws of his friends. He tries to climb up the back of a chair to reach the counter that his squad is sitting on, but stumbles. Burr catches him.

"Hey, thanks Burr. You're always there to catch me when I fall." Alex pats Burr's head appreciatively, and continues to climb.

"No problem, Alexander. We've got to keep you intact for your wedding night, don't we?"

Animal-like hoots erupt from the threesome on the counter, and Alex steadies himself on the chair, ready to defend his honor.

"I will tell you shits one more time," Alex declares rather loudly. The bartender looks on nervously. "Rattlesnakes are freaking zombies. They can bite you after they die. You're never safe. NEVER. SAFE."

"That's bull, Alexander," Hercules booms after taking a swig of Laurens' drink.

"No," Alex says smartly. "It's reptile."

Lafayette, who's probably the soberest of all of them, surprisingly, attempts to put an end to the disagreement diplomatically. "Look," he says, addressing the men around him who are all pretending to ignore any logic in the situation. "Mulligan, Hamilton, neither of you have sources. Because it is Alexander's wedding night, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and-"

"THE LIBRARY!" Alex shouts at the same time Mulligan cries, "HE ALWAYS WINS THE USELESS ARGUMENTS!"

With renewed purpose, Alex stumbles down from his perch, shouting, "TO THE LIBRARY!" like a general leading his soldiers into battle.

Laurens falls from the counter, ready to follow, but Lafayette jumps ahead and holds them both back.

"Alex," he says with a parental kind of concern in his voice, "it's your _wedding night_ , shouldn't you stay here at your party, with your _wife?_ How about we just leave this for now and resolve it in the morning? Or if you're really set on this I'll just look it up on my phone-"

"TECHNOLOGY IS FOR WEAKLINGS," Alex shouts as he smacks Lafayette's phone onto the dark floor. "Books and the written word are the only reliable method of acquiring information."

Laurens leans in close to Mulligan who's watching the whole scene with humored interest and whispers, "He does know books are made with computers, right?"

"TO THE LIBRARY!" Alex announces once again, catching a glance at Eliza's confused look before ignoring her and charging to the door, the rest of the men close behind him, echoing his battle cry.

Approaching the library, the only soul in sight is a haggard old woman locking the outside doors. Alex walks right up to her proclaims, "Miss, I require your finest literature on rattlesnakes and their ability to seek revenge from the grave."

The woman doesn't even flinch. She glances at the group, and snorts in amusement. Turning back to Alex, she cranes her neck back and looks him in the eyes as she says, "It's very late to be at the library. We're closing."

"My compatriots and I will only be a moment," Alex smiles surely, no hint of his drunkenness except for a nearly undetectable slur on "compatriots".

Miss Librarian looks them over one more time. "If you're not out in five minutes I'm leaving."

Alex bows before her and cries, "Thank you, my good lady."

She only grunts. "That's what they all say."

Within moments of their entrance, every man was dispatched down a different isle of pursuit, whether it would be helpful or not. Alex ran up and down the nonfiction section with Burr in tow. Before long he was tearing up the shelves (in a very neat fashion, of course) and paging through books, whether they were about snakes or starlets from the 1920's. Laurens and Mulligan charged right toward the children's section, where they really were trying their best to be helpful. They periodically ran over to Alex, showing him different selections, Laurens displayed _Yertle the Turtle_ proudly before Mulligan approached him, completely convinced _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_ was a snake, and Burr had to break up that argument before it got as out of hand as their current situation. Lafayette was patiently waiting at the at the computer station throughout this whole ordeal.

"Hey, Alexander," he calls. "I looked it up; you're right. Can we go-"

"TECHNOLOGY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT I KNOW. IT LIES, LAFAYETTE. YOU CAN'T TRUST IT, JUST LIKE YOU CAN'T TRUST A DEAD RATTLESNAKE. KILL IT. KILL ALL OF ITS SMALL PIXELS. IT DOESN'T KNOW ME. IT DOESN'T KNOW MY LIFE. I WILL STICK WITH MY BOOKS. THEY DON'T ASK QUESTIONS."

With a sigh, Lafayette shuts down the monitor and collapses into a chair, looking as if he's settling down for a nap.

The general consensus was that they had reached a stalemate. Alexander, however, was still savagely pillaging the shelves on reptiles, which it had only taken him this long to find, and only with Burr's assistance.

Burr sighs and points to the book Alex just stuck back on the shelf, all too delicately. "Alexander, that one's spine literally says 'Rattlesnakes'. Don't tell me that doesn't meet your satisfaction."

Alex's head snaps to look at Burr. In a quiet voice, he murmurs, "Burr, I love you more than you love being Theodosia's side hoe." He grabs at the book and determinedly scans the pages more carefully than before.

Running up to Mulligan, he shoves the open book in his face and shouts, "AHA! I FOUND IT! I'M RIGHT! I'M SMARTER THAN THE COMPUTER! HA!" He rushes back over to Burr before Hercules even has the chance to glance the page over. "IN YOUR FACE BURR! HA, HA!" Alex spits in Burr's face while doing a victory dance in between the shelves.

"Alexander, stop that, you will hurt yourself," Burr tries to tell an inattentive Hamilton, looking very uncomfortable. "I don't even like snakes, I wouldn't argue with you about this I – Look, let's just get you home to Eliza, Alex? Alex? ALEX YOU ARE DRUNK CALM DOWN," Burr roars when Alex's dancing reaches seizure-status. He grips him by the shoulders, nearly picking him up and carrying him under his arm like a surfboard. "Let's just go already," he groans, and drags Alex to the door while the rest of the guys follow behind them, grumbling in drunken stupors of agreement. Laurens jumps ahead, sprinting towards the entrance with his arms flying at his sides.

"AAAND WEEERE FREEE-" he shouts as he rams into the door when the handle doesn't turn. "-locked in," he finishes, no excitement from before lost in his voice.

" _Merde_ ," Lafayette curses under his breath, but it's still loud enough that they all can hear him. Alex leans over to Burr and whisper-shouts into his ear. "He said SHIT in FRENCH," he iterates carefully, ever the helpful translator. "Because he's the FRENCHIEST FRY." Alex winks at Lafayette, but he only groans and falls to the floor next to Hercules. Burr says nothing, looking ahead at the door like a man off to the slaughter would look at his last escape.

***Meanwhile at the wedding***

"So," Angelica says, smiling as she strolls up to Eliza. "Where are your husband and his hooligans at? I'm about to make a toast." Only then does she notice that her sister's face is flushed an unhealthy shade of red, and that her normally bright features are carved through with a looming frown.

"He took them to the library to win a bet about rattlesnakes," Eliza tells her, miserably.

Angelica pauses for a moment.

"He did what?"

Eliza face-plants onto the table.

***Back at the library***

"Oh my god," Mulligan groans, his hands covering his face. "That old bag really did leave. Oh my god."

"Guys!" Alex shouts, standing on the _New Releases_ table, looking down Lafayette and Hercules who are huddled on the floor, and Laurens and Burr who are fruitlessly trying to unlock the door. "We have SO MANY BOOKS TO READ WE BETTER START RIGHT NOW." He jumps down from the table, nearly breaking his leg, and frantically runs to the stand that holds _Women's Health_ magazine, furiously taking each volume down, turning the pages frantically, and placing it back in the order before taking the next one down.

Burr sighs, then shouts, "HOW ABOUT WE JUST CALL ANGELICA?"

He's answered with silence, except for Alex's running and panting and page turning.

Once more, Burr addresses them, now sounding uncertain. "I mean, she handles shit, right?" No one responds. "Look, do any of you have a phone? I left mine-" Laurens tosses Burr his, catching it sloppily.

"Angelica? Hi-" Burr has to pull the phone away from his ear from the volume of Angelica's screaming.

Angelica easily picks the lock upon arrival. She stares down the trio that has fallen asleep in a heap on the floor until Burr kicks them awake. "Get in the car," she scolds them, and they file out, heads down, hands behind their backs.

"Thank you," Burr pleads softly, knowing that Angelica could and would leave him locked in there, alone (or worse: with Alexander) until the morning staff came in.

She just flips her hair angrily and asks, "Where is he?" in a low voice that would normally make Burr run for the hills.

Before he can answer, Alex comes barreling toward them from the YA section.

"AAAAAAAANNNNGELICAAAAAA!" he cries, like a child running around saying "WHEEEE!" or a dog, running toward its owner with its tongue flapping. Angelica holds her arms out and grabs his shoulders before he crashes into her or tries to hug her.

"Alexander, how drunk are you?"

"I _swear_ ," Laurens calls from outside. "He had _maybe_ two beers. Wait, maybe four. Or eight. Or maybe that's how many I had-" he rambles on, and they all ignore him.

Alex gasps at these accusations. "Laurens, you traitor! You betrayer! You betrayed me, you traitor! I loved you, Laurens, I _loved_ you! And you turn around and betray me!" With that final declaration, Alexander Hamilton passes out into his sister-in-law's arms on his wedding night.

"Oh my god, how am I going to fix this mess?" Angelica sighs. Then, decisively, she hands Alex's limp body to Burr and tells him, "Go take Alex to my car. Buckle him in and all that. He can be not there on his wedding night, but if he's dead, _I'm dead._ " Angelica turns, takes three steps until she's outside, then lets out one last exasperated sigh, before turning back to him and saying, "Not you, Burr. Don't get in my car. Find your own ride home. I'm not your bitch."

With a swirl of skirts, she walks to her car, leaving Burr stranded with a drooling Alexander in his arms.


	2. Outline

_*****Not A Chapter*****_

 **Author's Note:** **Because I have been so praised that this fic is truly quality crack, I wanted to show you how truly cracky it was BEFORE. This is the outline. Some things are directly in it, some are not. but it's ridiculous and this is how I write outlines soooooo**

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Ham: lizardsa blah blah blah

Hercules: nah man

Burr: Alex the fuC

HAM: ITS TRUe guys

Laurens: Prove it

HAM: I WILL

HAM: Liza sorry bae ill be back before the cake I just need to defend my honor to these asses

Eliza: Alex this is our wedding

Ham: I know that's why I need to be right its my-OUR night okay hun thanks TO THE LIBRARY

*at library*

Ham: MISS I REQUIRE YOUR FINEST LITERATURE ON RATTLESNAKES

Lady locking door: were closing

Ham: It WILL BE ONLY A MOMENT

Lady: *looks at camera like on the office* okay but if youre not done in five minute I'm leaving

*everyone is running down the nonfiction isles, looking for lizard books, Mulligan finds the very hungry caterpillar, Laurens finds Yertle the Turtle*

LAf: Ham just use the computer

Ham: you INSulT MY INTELLECT I USE BOOKS THANKS

*finally finds a goddamn book about rattlesnakes pls and thank god*

Ham: IT SAYS IT RIGHT HERE IM RIGHT *smacks book closed* Bam how do you like that BURR

Burr: I don'yt even like snakes idk who started this with you but alex I do not give a fuck go home to your wife yiure DrunKKK

Mulligan: youre right bro lets go

Ham: *wants to fight more*

Laurens: man lets just go back and have that threeway you told me about

Ham: oh yeah k

Them: *are locked in*

Laf: merde

Ham: *loudly whispers to burr* he said SHIIIIIIIIT. In Freeeeeench. Cuz hes the frenchiest fry

Burr: alex staph were locked into the fucking library

Alex: but we have so many books we must reaD THEM ALL

Burr: *sigh* someone call angelica she handles shit

Laurens and Mulligan: *look down on him from their attempt to use laf as a battering ram* oh right good idea

-MEANWHILE AT THE WEDDING-

An: do you know where your husband and his hooligans are

Eliza: he took them to the library to win a fight about lizards

An: ? he had? A phgone? The internet?

Eliza: ikr

An: honey your'e the one who married him

Eliza: ….

-RETURN TO THE LIBRARY-

Angelica: *picks lock easily* WHO WANTS TO TELL ME WHY BURR HAD TO CALL ME TO BAIL YOU OUT OF A PUBLIC LIBRARY ON MY SISTERS WEDDING NIGHT? I HAD TO TALK TO BURR. _BURR._

Laurens: IT WAS HAMS FAULT

Ham: *GASP* LAURENS. I LOVED YOU. AND YOU BETRAY ME? *passes out*

Angelica: oh my god. Someone get him in the car. You all get in the car. –not you burr no one likes you burr. Find youre own ride home. Im not your bitch.

{Le End}


End file.
